Sunday, March 7, 2010

Dear Zac...

Dear Zachary,

You truly are the biggest surprise of my life... daddy and I had been told countless times that getting pregnant on our own would be pretty difficult.  I remember it all like it was yesterday-- so cliche, I know... but so true.  There was this little part of me that thought my flu like symptoms could be the result of something else... and how right I was.  For the first few weeks I was terrified of losing you... it all seemed so surreal to me and I felt like it could all slip away at any moment.  Every pain I felt, every time the morning sickness went away... it caused a huge pit in my stomach.  But each time we went in to see the doctor you were there... healthy and beautiful.  That little miracle of a heartbeat-- my baby.  I lived for those appointments.  And then the day came when it was confirmed- you were that little boy we knew you were.  Some people thought you were a girl... but I had a gut feeling you were a baby boy.  Your brother was thrilled to pieces to have a baby brother on the way- he even told me that he didn't want a sister.  In typical "me" fashion... a name was chosen for you that I later changed.  For the longest time you were called Asher... everyone loved the name, except me.  So I finally decided that was most definitely not your name.  You spent the rest of your time in my tummy nameless... daddy and I could not figure out the best name for you (your daddy thought you should be named Basil... you can thank me later for saying "no" to that one).  

Toward the end of my pregnancy with you, mommy's doctors felt like you weren't gaining weight fast enough... so I was told to eat more and plump you up a bit.  Unfortunately for me, I was also having tons of gallbladder attacks... so eating wasn't too easy.  You were such a mover at this point- you never stayed still.  Daddy and I would lay in bed laughing while your little legs and arms went crazy in my tummy... it was beautiful, yet painful.  Needless to say I was very ready for you to be born, so I didn't fight the doctors when they suggested a March 6th induction.  Unfortunately on March 6, there was no room for me at the hospital so they sent me home to come back on the 7th.

March 7... 

Daddy and I made it to the hospital early in the morning while Grandma and Deacon played at the house.  Later on Grandma dropped Deacon off at best friend Aiden's house so she could come and watch you be born.  Your birth story still brings tears to my eyes... and I hope someday you love reading it as much as I still do.  You were truly a miracle.

Life with you has never been dull Mr. Zachary.  You exhaust me and amaze me.  Your first two months of life were spent crying.  I will never be able to thank your Grandma Gerold enough for staying here with us for those 2 months.  We lovingly called you "Mr. Grumpalump"- because you cried non stop.  We finally found a way to get you to stop crying... bounce on a yoga ball, sitting in the bathroom with the fan on (it also worked to turn on the hair dryer or the portable sound machine) and the lights down low.  Grandma and I lived on that bouncy ball for 2 months.  

But after those 2 very long months you calmed down significantly... and turned into the baby you are today.  You are so inquisitive, snuggly and FAST.  You love to move... but always make time to come over and give a quick snuggle and kiss.  You absolutely love listening to music- you sway back and forth clapping passionately to every song you hear.  You love when I sing to you and read to you.  Your brother makes you laugh better than anyone in this world- I love the way you look at him.  I don't know if you two will ever be best friends- but your relationship is perfect... Deacon adores you and protects you- he lets you do things he won't let anyone else do.  You absolutely LOVE your Ms. Tanier, Papa & Ms. Christina at school... in fact there are plenty of days when you leap out of my arms just to get to one of them.  It makes all that "mommy guilt" disappear when I see how happy you are every day at school.

So Zachary... you may be considered a toddler now, but I'm having a really hard time saying that.  I'm not ready for you to grow up- I'm still clinging to the baby-ness about you.  I'm in no rush to give up the things that tie you to your baby days... paci, bottles, waking up in the middle of the night.  Sure, I'd love to get more sleep- but I know all too soon you won't need me to rock you back to sleep in the middle of the night.  All too soon you won't stop what you're doing to come snuggle up to me... and all too soon you'll be ready to put yourself to bed.  

Your beautiful red hair lights up my life and I thank God every day for blessing me with you.  I love you more than anything my angel.



hiyaluv said...


Melissa said...

Awwww, you made me cry! So sweet!